she believed in falling. silly girl.

no time like the present.

2011-09-13T23:08:00.004+10:00

the nights grow cold and lonely now.
and the frequent buzz of your breath on the other side sends shivers down my spine.
we sit and stare and ponder.
where our paths have veered.
and even in our closeness we're as far apart as we ever have been.
did I love too strongly?
too quickly and at that.
did I push too hard for your attention and never cease to give it back.
I'm at your beckon call, and always try to stay.
in your close proximity so I'm never far away.
but the rift is getting bigger and the gap too hard to ignore.
I can't sit here and smile, without bursting out the door.
to run.
to you.
to try to fix this emptiness.
this void between our love.
this black hole, sunken bitterness we've formed over time.
I won't say I'm not fighting.
I'm as fierce as they may come.
through wilderness and blazing fires I will always choose
to run.
to you.
never failing.
but I can't do this alone.
I'm standing on the edge trying hard to keep it calm.
keep my faculties in tact and strength without harm.
I'll try to be here waiting.
for you to make a move.
but till then, I'm breaking.
you better catch on soon.

Making note of it all.

2010-02-28T00:48:00.001+11:00

It was almost perfect. Their last embrace. Their hands trapped in a Luke warm tango, a slow rising realisation of where their love veered off. The seconds ticked over almost effortlessly as their skin traced off each other and was only left to hang by their sides next to clothing purchased by the other. The gift, almost bitter sweet, was their words of soft goodbye as footsteps follow their shadows as they walk away. Sun setting in between their backwards showdown, they part; quietly, mindlessly and still. Fire and brimstone reserved, almost unclimatic, but tender in the irony of the harshness of the situation. Coblestones separate with rivers left by rain, all that is left to hear is the ambiguous world around them. And then, silence. A still and forgiving silence. The world returns to a state of ignorant bliss as they leave to continue a life of exploration. And when they meet again on a crowded bus and are seated next to each other, they glance, smile and nod. Turn away and remenise, because that is all that is left to do. Because waiting at their stops are two unbeknown lovers, quietly waiting for their chance to walk into the purple hazed sunset and entwine hands, lost in a pure warmth. An almost perfect beginning. To a blissful happily ever after.

mummy, hang up the phone please.

2009-04-08T20:24:00.002+10:00

where do i go now?
the hapless little girl, with witty remarks is lost.
next to half eaten donuts and wearing last seasons cloths, she feels resent.
alone and cold, yet warm and welcomed.
feeling only empty hate and then knowing only true love.
love in all kinds.
where does she go now.
im still lost.

2008-12-15T20:43:00.002+11:00

Old man who stay behind, do not inflame the young with words of war. The ruin that you risk should be your own, not theirs.
Young men beware; to make you fight they first must make you fear then, out of that mould hate.
Take arms when all else fails, but mark you this: before the battle's joined, remember what is it to see friends bleed. In battle's midst, remember peace is both behind you and ahead. Once battle's won, remember how is it that wars begin.
Kings and captains, you who order war, know that your people, left alone, would choose to eat not fight, would choose to love not hate, would choose to sleep not die.
Take care what you say to turn them to your will. Tell them that you fight for God, not gain, and know your enemy is saying the same.
You who read this, pray for me. I have heard blind fury roar and sow the seeds of future war and I have wept as heroes died.

believe me when I say this. My battle has only begun.

irreperable psychological damage, pls.

2008-09-01T22:09:00.002+10:00

you're a simple disappointment.
i can't believe my misfortune.
the sour apple, the crack in the pavement.
i rather walk backwards than take a step with you.
for you, or about you.
you're the story i wish i didn't know.
however burned into my system, i cant forget you.
i try and i try but there's no way for me to.
you won't let me.
like a creation of myself.
you're a part of me and i hate it.
the worst, the unworthy.
the stem i wish could break.
you're nothing to me.
the fruit of my mistakes.
i hope you never succeed.
along with the people you call your friends.
no good rotten scum.
i hope you never succeed.
you do not deserve it.
some daughter you turned out to be.

it doesnt matter if we're alone

2008-07-08T12:32:00.004+10:00

chain reaction.
full realisation in an unsaid moment.
pavement to floorboards, the world seems clear when in your presence.
the stars shine brighter yet are out outshone.
the sun's warmth radiates yet does not compare.
suade or carpet, my feet hits the floor to step towards the one that gives me the path to walk upon.
moonlight touches skin that touches mine.
i will be here.
to brave the rain and the waves of freedom that tears us both.
for freedom lasts in the arms of the one who's arms are longing for mine.
and the arms that will catch your fall, whenever you call.
i have seen the world, and the evils it can bear.
the force of darkness and despair.
i have met the king and the queen of hearts combined.
i have walked a narrow path of unexpected treachery.
and found solice in your heart.
peace in your touch.
where chills and spills reign most high.
the trees bow down to winds of change.
and land will move to waters of strength.
but hearts will remain.
strong and true, they stand their place in the one who claims it for their own.
the heart that gives truly and whole.
the heart that holds the generosity to give even more than it can.
hearts that hold love and care.
the world seeks to find a heart so true and pure.
and to you.
though little and insignificant.
with all conviction and pride in the choice made.
in freedom and in love.
i give you mine.

procrastination works for me

2008-06-11T21:14:00.001+10:00

Its simple really.

How everything never fits. And its just so simple.

Its so simple how nothing is ever simple.

So we just accept it.

you've got to stand up and lift the world.

2008-06-08T22:37:00.001+10:00

make that change.

weighing up my options.

2008-06-02T18:58:00.002+10:00

and i feel.
as if we can.
we can make a dream from nothing else we have.
and still we wait, alone and still.
for moments left unnoticed to, but thrill.
a distant cry.
a lone free will.
a sudden burst of tragedy inside this lost mind.
and forever dawned, i dreamed for you alone.
never realising how distant we have felt.
though i know.
i can see.
the real interpretation of how life's supposed to be.
the waking in the evening of a life that's gone to waist.
of never leaving sides of people that are gone without a trace.
we feel as if the world is ending, never looking back.
we find our feet beneath the surface on a damp and desert path.
the river sticks is cold and wasteful, always looking bleak.
searching for a person who's soul isn't too weak.
and alone we wait and find.
our home is not too far.
through distance and travel, we have discovered our own hearts.
and no matter how long it takes us.
we will find the time.
to organize our thoughts in sequence so it's easier to find.
our way.
back home.
to the place we were before.
to the gateway to another world.
a lost forgotten door.
the tickets have been limited.
and entry's at a price.
but even if we lose our way, one thing will suffice.
its called.
love.

charisma

2008-02-21T21:10:00.002+11:00

gimme dat.
needles pressing.
pens through temples and vice versa.
tappa tappa tappa.
not fun.

moderate.

2008-02-06T21:30:00.000+11:00

forbidden sense of longing.
kill the mockingbird.
flights away from derogatory terms.
im over the charade of given words and missing links.
the words are flying in and out spaces that dont sense.
warping in a stage of completeness.
with a fragrance of livid narcolepsy.
i hate this form of publishing.
stupidity and hate.
im sick of this.

this isn't meant to be an exact recollection.

2008-01-19T20:07:00.000+11:00

hey scotland.
never before will i feel this way.
low tide and sand wars.
dirty goodness in a clean environment.
you'll have a bad day.
i'll cop the flack.
you'll spin off and ill keep the cool.
shelby gt 350.
no more words required.
pontiac firebird trans am.
must i say more?
'08 mustang.
yeh, thanks.

i hear you through the glass. but i can never touch you.

2008-01-16T18:34:00.000+11:00

a show of hands, who has said these words before.
with a show of hearts on the floor, who has ever meant them more.
well I'll swallow my pride if you'll stay for the years.
and watch me spin circles as I disappear.
hearts, they don't lie they just quiver in fear.
as hours move to minutes.
and minutes take longer to break.
i will be desperately awaiting.
but my tongue won't fall apart.
and we've been sitting here for hours.
all alone and in the dark.
so let me think of how to word it.
is it too soon to say 'perfect'?
if I could find another thirty minutes somewhere.
i'm sure everything would find me.
all that's left is just to sing.
you sounded hurt and you know that I believe you.
searching every little thing to find a way.
to tell your heart just to wait a little longer.
i swear we'll make it.

kiss kiss bang bang.

2008-01-15T12:19:00.000+11:00

sensation is heavy.
temptation getting stronger.
and its getting harder to stop.
and im not willing to.
hit the after burners and hold on.
ill be holding on to you.

meet virginia

2008-01-06T17:52:00.000+11:00

id like to think im:
good on paper.
great on the phone.
phenomenal in person.
as i said.
id like to think i am.

i really dont regret any of it.

2008-01-04T17:41:00.000+11:00

this is me without you.
this is me going days without you.
this is me pulling the strings out and the cutting the chains.
this is me and my emancipation.
lets hear you scream after the dial tone beeps me out.

im hurting and missing you.

2008-01-03T22:45:00.000+11:00

watch me swallow.
and ill call you.
call upon you.
you don't know how much i need you.
ill drop.
off the side of the world.
and ill still need you more than anyone.
and that.
that's my demise.

dashboard.

2007-12-31T09:53:00.000+11:00

i want a forcefield from curiosity.
a getaway from questions. for even just a few days.
for if anyone could see my mind right now, they'd be turned off lasagna for life.
my hands have never been clean and my finger won't stop shaking.
backspace is my favourite button.
my insides are turning and i dont know if its guilt or last night's food.
even pictures are looking down on me.
innocent little smiles.
how fake have i become.
im ready for the intervention.
the exorcism.
at least, the one where i stay alive.

not done yet.

2007-12-30T21:48:00.000+11:00

to be honest, i really can't describe it.
it's euphoric but at the same time, you wish you could rip your guts out.
at the time the world stops spinning.
at the time the entire universe collapses around you and you couldn't care what happened because of it.
at the time you've got everything you ever wanted at your fingertips and it itches viscously at you.
you can't remember the last time you spoke and it didn't matter.
because at the time, everything's yours.
you scratch at dreams and clench fists in agony.
your mind races and you start breathing like you've smoked your entire life.
hitched and short, you're only inhaling enough oxygen to make sure your brain doesn't implode.
it's cataclysmic, really.
climaxing to something that only lasts for a second.
you say you won't regret it, and it's true. you really don't.
but hushed words and slit eyes leave you stunted.
the cage that holds your lungs in place and your heart from falling into your stomach tightens and never lets go.
your throat closes up while you move through a tilted crowd.
your eyes never leave the wall before you.
locked on a clear patch of plaster, your streamlining for silence.
your hands are constantly reaching out to someone, something.
closing and opening, constantly hesitating to make an impact.
trust. respect. its all the same when you want it back.
but the sun sets to a day and a night that will never be forgotten.
the dusk shines pink and gold through silver lined clouds that can only give me hope that i can streamline to silence.
find refuge in the clear patch of plaster.
or lie, staring at a smoke stained ceiling, holding onto the blankets beneath me.
the candles rise with blackened smoke, making patterns on the ceiling where i've spent time contemplating my purpose and what i've done to accomplish that purpose.
but at the time, at this very moment, i look to change.
the sun will rise and set again and again and ill simply coast through it all.
hoping to make my life somewhat different to the days ive just spent.
to be honest, i really can't describe it.
i won't describe it.
because you have to find out for yourself.
ill change, ill take my days the way they should be spent.
growing and learning from experiences, lessons and mistakes.
i won't describe it because you have to learn for yourself.
i'm making my lessons count.
no matter how painful they may be.
euphoria and ripped out guts. its the way it has to be.
the cataclysm. its mine.

who said being cynical meant being nihilistic

2007-11-26T08:03:00.000+11:00

Goodmorning father.
Its time to go to sleep.
Don't worry about exams or the overdue phone bills sticky taped to the door.
I won't yell at you, or make you feel insecure.
You're special and beautiful.
You've got the world at your feet.
Take every opportunity the world gives to you.
You deserve every bit of it.

yeh, it makes sense.

2007-11-23T07:44:00.001+11:00

Friday morning.
Fill me up with in discretions.
Happy little everything in a bottle.
Stomach grumbles.
Hungry for more than you could even believe.
Hunger for a thirst.
A thirst that I've never had.
The wheels on the bus go round and roun and we go from one end to another.
Joy.
Kill joy.
Miss kill joy.
Welcome to my hell.

yeh, it makes sense.

2007-11-23T07:44:00.000+11:00

you're the picturesque moment in my life.

2007-11-22T16:25:00.000+11:00

Its a long way from the plastic chairs in primary school to the hospital beds you're lying on.
Not a pretty sight.
Metal stitches bring out your eyes, or so they say.
They say a lot of things.
They'll run it by me and him and her and them and we'll still be left hanging in suspence.
Its not fair if you think about it.
Its not fair at all.
You didn't deserve this, you didn't need this.
We didn't deserve this, we didn't need this.
But at the same time, we did.
we always need a chance to take a step back and see you in a different light.
Appriciate you in a different way.
Love you more than we ever knew we could.
We all need that.
But at this point in time, at this very second of this minute of this hour of this day of this week, month, year.
Of this life.
You are our light.
Our hope, our pure essence.
We'll never give up on you.

its a harsh blow to the lungs.

2007-11-20T21:04:00.001+11:00

he's awake.
my friend who was hit by a car at 70 kilometers per hour is awake.
he went flying over the hood of the car through the windshield.
was rushed to hospital.
was put on induced acoma to stop his body from going into shock and dying.
they were going to wake him up in three weeks.
and 4 days after the accident he's woken up on his own.
first he reacted to light and pain and started moving his legs.
and now he's awake and talking.
to who ever's up there.
thank you.
you saved one of my best friends.
you brought my brother back to me.

like plastiv leaves, your lustre is fake

2007-11-16T09:59:00.000+11:00

its been a while.
the world will, oh the world.
how many times have I used the world to blame my problems on.
if only I had a dollar for everytime I've said or typed or thought of the work 'world'.
its getting out of hand.
like I can't make a difference in how my life is run because I'm blaming the world.
the world made me sick, the world gave me this, the world did this to me.
sitting in the waiting room of an overbooked medical center hoping that someone dies so I can go in and talk to the doc.
I'm sadistic and evil and conniving and devious.
poeople are taking the toll.
the harsh toll.
I might as well blame the world.

don't call me peanut.

2007-10-12T21:47:00.000+10:00

Drink up beautiful.
I spiked your cup with angst and a heart attack,
'cause I've got so much trapped
It's all because of you.
So I figured you might like some back.
And now you say that,
you say you love me.
Well I may have your heart,
he has your body.
And now you swear that you're being honest,
but you're not honest,
and you never could be.

kill this construction

2007-10-08T21:19:00.000+10:00

im the piss pot of good luck.
the holy grail of the dysfunctional youth.
the sideways seating freaks at the bus stop.
sitting straight so i won't piss myself when i start laughing at myself.
crying in the bedroom over melting over songs that are probably that best ill ever hear.
four words can crush you.
but i bet even less could too.
fuck it.
im over this charade.
just dont come running any time soon.

"why do you write with a passion but don't show any of that to me! "

2007-10-07T21:11:00.000+10:00

an i meant to find something surprising all the time?
like a white russian at two in the afternoon.
kisses with an alcohol punch.
unpredictability.
the universe gives us chances we don't always want.
just like kisses with an alcohol punch.
repetition.
its time to wake up.
drive the car into the lamppost and.
and, .. never mind.
stutter stupid sentences.
make a mangled mess.
keep a picture in the locket and open it when you miss me.
give is everything.
give it that alcohol punch.
repetition.

to be the one attached.

2007-10-04T20:57:00.000+10:00

there's an instance where the clouds part.
and in its wake a new emotion comes.
it's that momentary sense of freedom i get when i look in your eyes.
but you take me the way i am.
you catch on quick. real quick.
like an english accent. i wear you weakly.
i speak words not meant for me.
to prove something that's greater than me. in any sense.
a thinker.
an over thinker.
like the depth of reality doesn't exist.
what is intelligence?
what is creativity in any sense?
who gets to sit at home and make up new words for controversy and ill-feelings to loss.
lots of loss.
but at the end of the tunnel, the light im running to is you.
no matter how mangled i may look to you, the other side has something waiting for me.
a thinker.
an over thinker.
think for me.
think of me.
just sometimes.

standby.

2007-10-03T13:55:00.000+10:00

taking direct influence has been something i've done best.
losing out on originality, i am guided.
solely guided by those i admire and look up to.
the clock stopped.
the hands fell short at me and i never reached my goals.
i stood at the lamppost and keeled between your fingers.
the light and shade of death and life.
where beginnings end and endings never begin.
for we're all foes to the non-believers of the light called hope.
the distant wish of purity locked between our hearts and the ticker that makes it work.
as long as we breathe we have something to live for.
as long as we live, we have a fight against those who take it away from us.
what is after the apocalypse of death?
what is the apocalypse all about?
do the four headless horsemen comes barricading through with a pitchfork of self-unambiguity.
are we pawns that are sacrifices for the better good.
utilitarianistic.
the world revolves around the self absorbed or those large enough for the world too revolve around them in the first place.
its a shallow heap that i'm finding myself in.
the dribble of wasting spit on words that were never meant for you.
for any of you. for the world would seize to exist if the words were not said.
the wasteful forms of self perfection are idiocy.
sheer madness in this place of sheer contempt.
but listen to me.
i could be saying these words out loud, screaming them into the atmosphere that has no room for oxygen let alone my exhausted words.
im a peace keeper trapped between the barbed wire of my mind.
the third eye.
the heart chakra.
it's madness in a bottle of vodka tainted with tears.
our hopes were in the bottom of it.
and i drank it all down.
along with my dignity and worth.
forget the story.
it's being rewritten.

a lesson in romantics

2007-09-04T21:01:00.000+10:00

And honestly, I have been begging for answers
That you and only you can give to me
A voice crying loud
I've been crying for days now
And as I start to run, I stop to breathe
And I was nearly scared to death
Why you left in paragraphs
The words were nearly over us
You stop and turn and grab your bags
And I'll be here by the ocean
Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams
All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes
And every waves drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours
Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"
With a tear in His voice, He said, "Son, that's the question."
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?
So let me think of to word it
Is it too soon to say 'perfect'?
If I could find another thirty minutes somewhere
I'm sure everything would find me
All that's left is just to sing
I may never sail Virginia again
And as this current moves slow for me
This much you must know of me again
And I'll have you know I'm scared to death

i meant it when i said it.

2007-09-03T21:40:00.001+10:00

you won't love me in the morning.
you won't remember me tomorrow.
so just let go of me now.
let go of me.
we both know that we've both come to this realisation.
the only thing worst for you than you is me.
faker.

if only music was a...

2007-08-26T18:48:00.000+10:00

ive got a knocking on the brain.
its taking up the space.
your space.
ive got nothing.
ive got a whole heap of nothing.
ive got a whole heap of shit.
i type to fast than i think.
i talk slower than i type.
i love longer than i want to.
i write more than i should.
i, i, i.
stop now.

olisakakaangecobealy

2007-08-23T17:10:00.000+10:00

its gone.
blown in the wind.
red tea cups and teaspoons sitting beside me.
metal ringing in my ears.
nothing brings it back.
i miss the way the world spun without me knowing it could hurt me.
i miss being ignorant.
ignorant.
blissfully ignorant.
i miss childish slander.
palyground antics.
playground acceptance.
bring it all back please.
im losing my mind.
losing my mind.
my marbles.
losing it all.
teenage scrutiny.
losing it all.
its gone.

the morning light is there for tomorrow

2007-08-10T18:03:00.000+10:00

recommended at the price
insatiable an appetite
wanna try?
to avoid complications
she never kept the same address
in conversation
she spoke just like a baroness
met a man from China
went down to Geisha Minah
then again incidentally
if you're that way inclined
perfume came naturally from Paris
for god she couldn't care less
fastidious and precise

burn in hell.

2007-07-24T19:01:00.000+10:00

i was talking to myself.
shit.

dallas crain.

2007-07-18T14:45:00.000+10:00

bruise count: 14
alcohol bottles found in bedroom that i remember i drank from: 25
other bottles found: 13
lecture from mother in the morning: 15 minutes
family drinking round that night = 3 more bruises, 5 more bottles and no lectures.

turning 16 is glorious. but a piss weak excuse to rebel without a cause.

miss fucking universe killed the bloody rat race.

savage gardens.

2007-07-14T08:58:00.000+10:00

what's that feeling called? that feeling of never getting out of bed?
you can stare out the window for hours and never move.
is it because you want to hide from something?
is it because the outside world over the blankets is too cold to bear?
either way, turning sixteen can't be that bad, right?

happy birthday silly girl. believe in falling just today.

eleven days.

2007-07-05T20:04:00.000+10:00

Five am. You’re no where to be seen.
Seven thirty. The world spins out of control.
Nine fifteen. My eyes open to the possibilities that you’ve changed.
Eleven twenty four. Getting a little ahead of ourselves.
Twelve fifty two. She doesn’t want to look. She won’t believe it.
One oh six. The grass folds under her feet. Her running feet.
Three forty one. The knocks on her door go unheard. Go unheard noticed. Go misplaced.
Five pm. Where did we all disappear too?

I want to be there holding your hand.

i'll cry to you ash.

2007-06-28T21:49:00.000+10:00

number one.

if i could open your eyes.
if i could push back your hair and make you see yourself.
if i could hold your hands up to the sky and lets the sun warm your fingertips.
your heart would bleed dry and you'd see the fullness of it.
you, my dearest, you hold all capacity to share the soul within you to everyone you hold dear.
to anyone who has made you think, to anyone who has stolen your attention for a mere second; acknowledge
that they did it because they saw the life in you.
not the normality of noticing that you're nothing normal.
but unique, special and beautiful.
the love that you seek for so deeply will be shown to you very soon.
your heart will be filled with true romance and no longer the angst you have bottled inside.
the space left empty for so long will finally be filled.
you my dear will have the world in your wake.
even if you don't believe me.
even if you feel as if you don't deserve any of this.
i assure you, you are the sun within your own sky.
shine for us all.

do not disconnect.

2007-06-26T21:02:00.000+10:00

be the one who sits along the window sill and draws hearts into the fog breathed on when you whispered my name and pleas for me to come home. just hope that unlike mine, those hearts stay in tact. -
in every instance i hoped that something constant could come of the erratic games we play. the score remains even, like the line between us. step over fire for me please. -
awake to the world and asleep in my mind. insane without justification and lost with your road map. directions are sketchy and thats how i know ink stains on sweaty palms are as close as ill ever get to your heart. -
lets be petty and just seize the day and everything not worth breathing for.

im slowly working them all out.

"..so where'd matt fuck off to again?.."

2007-06-20T22:47:00.000+10:00

stay a walking contradiction.
it seems to look very good on you.
and part of that scares me to pieces.

Rage is shooting through my body like a lit fuse

2007-06-17T00:45:00.000+10:00

i promise you and myself.
i will meet you.
one day.
i will look into your eyes and see an honesty unlike any other.
it'll be a peace amongst the chaos in both our heads.
the wars we fight will stop for even a second and we'll smile and share a glance or two.
it will be a magic unlike those ever seen on the busy street's sidewalk.
then once wer're finished halting our mindless battles, we'll gather our small change and decide on the next round of starbucks we'll buy down the road.
our small talk will mean so much more.
we will bump into each other.
we will exchange some kind of interaction.
we will meet one day.
i promise you.

i dont want you there.

2007-06-14T21:23:00.000+10:00

get crushed.
lose yourself in the sea and dont come back.
drown yourself.
bruises, torn muscles and ripped hair.
get crushed.
find yourself enjoying the entrapment.
stop your breath.
choking, hissing and wrenching for air.
get crushed.
mistep and fall, without a chance to resurface.
try to float on the top but the cracks leave you left behind.
displace. misconstrue. get left behind.
push yourself back.
get out of sight.
jumping, missing and lost in the translation.
get crushed!

for that rainy day. save me your love heart.

2007-06-12T23:22:00.000+10:00

the honesty of it all is that there is none.
i want someone to follow me around, documenting my life so i dont have to.
take the fight for love away and all you have is dead roses and a broken "I'm Sorry" record.
everybody's run into a brick wall at some point in their life.
but when it's all said and done, doesn't it feel like someone's already done it all before you?

its just a game

2007-06-11T15:12:00.000+10:00

"just to let you know, make friends with me, you make enemies with others."
"is that a promise?..."
"it's a gaurantee."

my little web of not.

2007-06-10T23:52:00.001+10:00

i want to be the one who explodes outside of your doorway.
that metal sheath of excess life hanging on the notch where the doorknob used to be.
i want to be your beginning, middle and happily never after.
i can be your change, your exorcist.
just let me in.
your little extra gunshot wound.
a textbook case of paranioa.
a mental image of what wasn't.
imagination can only lead you so far.
i'll put myself in the picture.
ill die an extra time for biographical purposes.
but i'll lie on the phone and fight and fuss.
kill you with mind bullets, kyle.
don't be selfish. don't be mean.
i mean after all this is over, we'll be dead before you come to your senses.
but still.
i want to be the onw who implodes outside of your doorway.

im too busy for the catalyst. give me the apocalypse instead.

2007-06-08T18:17:00.000+10:00

sometimes i wonder where the old you went too.
then i keep forgetting that i became you.
i encompass you in my every action.
sometimes i wonder where you'll end up.
but still i keep forgetting, i became you.

post it notes run my life

2007-06-08T09:27:00.000+10:00

stop influencing me in ways that i can't escape.
stop forcing me to be like you.
stop being the person that you are.
if you don't, I'll end up happy.
I'll end up better.
I'll end up like you.

this is why i love you.

2007-06-07T22:19:00.000+10:00

"you know I'll take care of you."
"I know."

check on me every now and then.

2007-06-04T18:25:00.000+10:00

i want to say that i miss everything about you.
but that'd be lie, cause i didn't get to know you well enough.
i want to say that i can't live without you.
but that's be a lie, cause you taught me how to be strong.
what ever i do, i'll keep you in my thoughts.
what ever i say, you'll be there showing me my faults.
but i know you're proud of me, and i know you're watchinf over me.
with eyes that i can't bear to leave behind.
visit me in my dreams.
tell me stories.
keep far from what i thought was good in my life,
you'll know better.
you'll see cleary.
so i put my faith in you.
i do all that i can do.
you'll be here every step of the way.
just one more day.
just one more day.
i'll be ok...

june third two thousand and seven.
rest in peace grandpa.

did i fool you? my apologies dear sir.

2007-06-03T13:46:00.001+10:00

there's that second string of tears that come to you unexpectantly.
another form of sympathy that wasn't sought after in the end.
and in the dark the world might seem happier, and that's when the expected disappear.
then out of no where, things that were never good to you flip a switch and turn out to be heaven sent.
loving you in every bit that i could, i won't always know who to turn to when you're gone.
and now spinning in infinite circles, no ones stopping me cause you've vanished.
and im waiting in the corner with a drained torch and a lighter that had a gas leak out of it.
breathing in all this life that i couldn't give up, since you took it from me.
im no longer sounding like broken records.
the age of ruptured mp3's have caved in.
and we end up tipping bottles upside down to find the last drop of hope.
and the alcohol consumes you and then your alter ego nancy consumes the room.
then we fling life around in bottles and hang up our responsibilities for a night or two.
in the morning you lie on my arm.
and i slide it away frum under you and tip toe back to civilisation.
but i smell my arm to remember who you were before i remembered you didn't love me.
if it's just a smell, i'll linger in this regurgitated form of existance forever if it means being close to you.
i'm nothing without a nightmare in my head.
i'm nothing without a dream to break and a hope to tear down.
usually they're my own. but no one pains attention to manics anymore do they.
they pay attention anymore pete, we'd like to think that though.
don't we.
but the batteries died last night.
so the before photos we took can only be compared to the pile of bottles hidden somewhere your bed.
but im remembering little bits of nothing here and there.
with every mouthful of air i take in, i breathe out another memory i wish didn't happen.
but the glory of the glory days is that you can decide to forget.
so just forget.
the glory days.
those days where we flicked through magazines and wished we had that life.
now we rip through the pages of our existance and wish we could just grab scissors and make it through gracefully.
so if the pot called the kettle black and got burnt for it, what'll happen when hitch hike my way to you.
will you call me a hypocrit and send me packing.
it's not like we didn't like that dance under the moonlight.
but i'll stop spitting shit when i start.

current occupation: giving foot rubs to hobos.

2007-05-27T17:10:00.000+10:00

cut me off and cut me dry.
leaving me cold like the tiles under my feet you say you do this for me.
i love you so i push you. it's what i do.
you couldn't care less.
i'm treading on ground that's had bombs deployed on it.
it isn't uneasy at all.
i know this path all too well.
i could yell my lungs out and cry tears that spit across the room,
but you'll push me out of the way to get yourself a tissue.
make me fall and knock unsteady teeth against the bench so you can wipe my tears off the table.
i care about you, you think you're so important
aren't i?
i'm your daughter and you say that life isn't simple.
i already know that!
i live with you!
and so you say that i should just be left alone.
that's what i want after all.
well that's what you think i want.
then fine.
i'll make your assumptions, your wishes come true.
if only you were 21. you'd be on the street by now.
trust me, i can make that happen sooner than you think.
i'm not in it for the smiles or the laughs.
at one point i thought you were going to slash my face with the knife in your hand.
you point it at me, so close i could smell the steel.
the tip jabbing into my chest, i invisioned it going through my heart.
the beating slowly stopping and watching you just wipe the blade and continue cooking.
me heartless.
funny thing isn't it.
mascara rivers and trembling.
constant trembling.
no matter how jackets i wear.
no mattter how many walls i burn down with matches and burnt out candles.
no matter how much money i make selling fire in hell.
i'll always be cold.
to everyone.
to everything.
to you.
i'll always be cold.
because you made me this way.

2007-05-25T10:12:00.000+10:00

sit and wait for something new.
create a second story with the due sitting on the grass in the morning.
raindrops of the third passing, the passage of our dreams make no sense.
and we're catching dreams on wires and setting bombs off in our head.
dreading nothing to the second point in time.
lying, spying and conniving little beings.
through windows do they peer, with telescopes focused on our mistakes.
tripping on the little step that cracks a bone in our back, we never thought of anything other than hope and fear.
fear of being something.
and nothing being true.
ill lie away thinking of you.
correct me if im wrong but aren't we meant to fall sometimes.
help me dig myself out of these pot holes.
this alledged road of self discovery.
this place of false intentions made clear when one or two strings get broken.
fingers bleed and throats get swollen.
when sticks fray and feet get blisters.
it all makes sense when it's put in terms like that.
so i drove to the corner of central ave and point cook rd.
stopped and contemplated walking over the bridge.
felt the air rush past my hair as the cars ran over my feet.
stopping me dead in tracks where we all stepped once before i thought how little i am in this world.
everywhere we are.
every place we stand.
someone and something has died right under our feet.
even the crevaces on our mind something has.
feel free in entrapment.

mistake me if im wrong.

2007-05-21T21:15:00.000+10:00

what happens when you wake up in the morning?
in those few seconds where your eyes open and all you see are patches of grey and black?
those few seconds where you rub your eyes, curse the alarm clock and bury yourself beneath the covers.
after those few seconds of contempt towards artificial roosters, you slide the covers off.
the cold air nips at your unwary skin and the covers find themselves wrapped around you once more.
what happens after you talk yourself out of bed and step into the shower?
the cold floor sends you to jump and you realise you still have to take your clothes off.
you undress and turn the water on.
your skin gets another shot of shock when the cold water trickles down your back.
what happens after you curse under the water and begin to slightly chock?
then once you're dressed and ready, you step outside.
cold morning winter air blasts past your face and you tighten you scarf and shiver under your jacket.
your knees buckles and you hold yourself for warmth.
the bus stop seems miles away.
your legs fidgit and your eyes grow heavy.
third time in a space of 2 hours, you curse under your breath the choice of ever getting out of bed.
so, you want to know what happens?
past all the contempt, the cold weather, the man who decided not to shower that morning sitting next to you.
there's hope.
you're laughing, i know you are.
but trust me there's hope.
there's that little sense of 'someone give me nose plugs now!' running through your entire body as the bench seat sqaushes up as more people reach the bus stop.
that little sense of 'just 5 more hours minutes.'
of 'that little squirt better not have finished the soap'.
of 'i dream of summer and rolling green plains.'
it's always there.
hiding in little crevaces of a mindset that isn't concious to the annoyance of the world around you.
there's even hope in nothing.
the hope that nothing will become something, eventually.
in time.
even in the most painful situations there's hope.
so do the macarena.
hug your brother.
eat a vegemite and pickle sandwich.
make those lifechanging and memorable moments happen.
don't wait for them.
you have ages for dreams.
you have an entire lifetime to live your life.
no matter how long or short it is.
do something life changing.
or at least hope for one.

Some people have it and other people don't. You been making some threats.

2007-05-18T19:03:00.000+10:00

you were the only face i'd ever known.
i was the light from the lamp on the floor,
and only as bright as you wanted me to be.
but i am no gentleman, i can be a prick,
and b do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place
i sat with you drink for drink.
take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist.
everything we had
is no longer there.
it was the only place i'd ever known.
yurned off the light on my way out the door.
i will be watching wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.
you have been followed back to the same place
i sat with you drink for drink.
take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.
well, you saw for yourself, the way it played out.
For you, I am blinded.
For you, I am blinded, for you.
i'll be with you wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.

michelle.

2007-05-17T19:53:00.000+10:00

i left you and then i came back.
i wished away the past and had you land in my lap.
i couldn't imagine life without you.
you're the stars in my dreaded high school life.
seeing you smile makes me smile because i know i can make a difference in your life.
i can influence you just as much as you influence me.
you truly are someone special to me.
thank you.
everyday.
thanky you for everyday you hug me and make me realize i've got life much better than i feel.
i love you sis.

Tolerance, Addiction, and Withdrawal

2007-05-17T12:26:00.000+10:00

will you light my candle.
blowing out of proportion.
the wick burnt out.
and we're not gonna pay last years rent.
cause we paid for your smiles instead.
and now we're broke.
busted and crippled.
lost without a paycheck and forgot to check for pay.
525,600 minutes.
today for you tomorrow for me.
and when heavens gates open, sing again for me.
thanks to you my sweetheart.
my angel in disguise.
let's measure it all in love.
but please, would you light my candle?

I'd shout out your name in every room

2007-05-07T21:51:00.000+10:00

You seem so afraid, afraid you’ll regret
Regret getting closer and connected to me
And I feel like that too but I’m scared
Scared you’ll leave while you still feel you can
So I’ll just wait and see
Let our eyes say words we’ll leave unspoken
When we're trying to be careful
And words can be so confusing
When we're trying to be careful
But not too careful...
Fear, it has its place folded in squares
Squarely tucked in the back pocket of our minds
And yes, it’s reckless to act but pointless to decide
Just let your world collide with mine
What's the average number of times people feel this way in a lifetime?
Let's not waste more time

See, you'd think you know what you're feeling,
until someone comes along and shows you they knew all along

i will not dodge you. i will merely avoid and conquer. thank you.

2007-05-04T16:15:00.000+10:00

born to make a mess and the untidiness is shown in my eyes.
looking out through black and blues, the scars stumble their way into my bedroom.
leaving trace marks on little sheets, the trails lead me home.
what is home?
is home a who?
who am i?
why am i asking questions?
piles and piles of here and there spark a clash between you and me.
the fleetingness of the two of us make for a perfect headline.
the paperboy lost his voice.
we're too catchy to mislead.
but when the night echoes with reoccuring tunes, did i ever make an impression?
on you. on your heart. on the little space where it used to be?
and when the last drop of water is sucked out of the bottle, will there be
a tear left for me?
making no sense of the choas we create, i was born to make a mess.
of everything that I've done and everything I will do.
sticking to nothing true, I'm as honest as the opposition going for president.
as honest as the gum on your shoe.
as honest as the flashing "your tank is empty" light on your dashboard.
i will not make any confessions.
i will forfit the designated list of life we seem to conjure up.
when we're together.
when we're together, it's always for sure.
for sure nothing.
for sure nothing good can come of this.
i have something none of you have.
thank you for letting me keep a secret.
but if you will, try to coax it out, for me.
like the sign hanging on my bedroom door.
I'm closed.

I got an A in sarcasm. F's in everything else.

2007-05-01T09:40:00.000+10:00

You're my excuse.
You're a great excuse.
Drinking when I'm not supposed to.
Not eating when I know I should.
Slacking off when I can't afford to.
Trying to cheat my way through highschool/life.
It's going alright, and that's when I know I'll get caught sooner rather than later.
This'll probably become a prayer.
I seem to be more cynical than usual.
I had a thread with someone yesterday.
We talked about whether chocolate was good for you.
Apparently it's the liquor they use to make it.
I said everything's better in an altered state of reality.
She said I sounded like you.
I stopped talking to her after that.
A whole wall in our computer lab is covered with comic book covers.
I really do feel like peter pan now.
I'll never grow up.
Reading diary by chuck.
He bought it for me in karma.
I feel ok being on my own for a while.
Everyone's either on tour or writing a new record.
I'll be fine. Only a few months before it's back to 2 minute noodles and
kisses on foreheads before sleeping.
I miss them though.
At least I get emails everyday.

"if it rejects it more than 3 times, you're probably drunk and that isn't your room."

2007-04-26T17:50:00.000+10:00

it's the dim lighting.
the open breeze.
the young unfamiliar faces.
the souls from the 4 winds of the family of the world.
the recognisable anthems being played in the dinner area.
the one shower to 14 people.
the $3 an hour internet rates.
the good on some days beds.
the dread locks and 5 days worn jeans.
the key cards that don't work most of the time.
the free meal that you keep coming back for.
the network you can make with 2 glasses of beer.
the money you could make with 3 glasses of beer.
the warmth of knowing you know no one.
the nothingness of it all.
this is hostel life.
this is a backpackers life.
this is my life.

with your hair like that, you could actually look pretty.

2007-04-24T18:12:00.000+10:00

even cassanova sought refuge.
hiding away, escaping with the one he loves.
he found happiness in running away and changing his life, so he could wake up next to the smile that makes his heart flutter.
he made the ultimate sacrifice.
the ultimate life changing decision.
to risk death everyday for a lifetime of true love.
if only i could take the clouds out of my ears and the soil out of my shoes.
we could all learn something from the multiple personality, heretic, womanizer.
Cassanova.

more than bitter sweet. two out of three aint that bad.

2007-04-21T18:39:00.000+10:00

no more time for sugar coating.
lie to me in the time you have.
i can't stand the fact that you're so frank.
kill me now please!
you can make anything and everything else bubblegum fresh.
but fuck off when you say im skinny and buy me a size ten.
then tell me i've gotten fat and i am fat when you see i pull a size 14 off the rack.
fuck you!

but on the other hand, you, yes the other you.
you, i look for you in empty spaces and realize you're always around.
i never knew you were so open.
and in dark hotel rooms i whisper in your ear how much i love you.
you're the vacancy i've been looking for.
i hold the reservation on your heart.

got the band shirt blues

2007-04-19T14:25:00.000+10:00

i'm packing things i'm going to miss.
sentimental of all the things i'm leaving behind.
suitcases always make me feel caged.
like my life was meant to fit in such a small thing..

when you write, I'm inspired. when you inspire, I listen.

2007-04-18T16:22:00.000+10:00

sometimes i start to cry when he reminiscences about the past.
or when he jots down his hopes for the future.
and i sit there, staring at him say these things.
my attention not going anywhere.
the worry lines on his forehead seem genuine and that sinks me further.
i feel the tears and i force myself not to fall by his words.
but i can't help it went i know that it's raw honesty.
something that i haven't felt in years.
and when the beat plays loud in the background, i feel my heart pound on the off beat.
i hear his pound against his chest and i know it's heavy from when he last felt real love.
he has it and then it's burnt down when people don't understand.
and it's when they won't try to, they only make it worst.
it's distorted and he has to suffer.
he always has to suffer.
but i can't do anything.
i can't do anything at all.
when the hand i outstretch only touches air and that air blows past his mind.
his mind racing and lost.
he doesn't want this to end, and i don't want it either.
quoting reinvented pop stars and name dropping morning super heroes.
he needs a star to shine bright to help him walk through the night he seems to live in.
but it's not fair.
it's not right.
all i want to do is be there.
be there for him.
i might not say the right things, i might do the best things.
but i'll be there.
that unspoken support system that needs no pressed buttons or shouted words.
but, all i can do is sit here.
sit here and listen.
my ears won't turn off.
even if he does.

expost or expose

2007-04-10T19:01:00.000+10:00

star light star bright first star i see tonight.
i wish upon a star tonight.
but when that star starts to move, the wings flash red and blue.
the star in the sky flies away like the plane in my head.
hope is a dark dome with nothing stable to believe in.
the playing field is wiped clean and the pitchers plate is dusted down.
stepping up to bat, i miss the ball and hit the catcher instead.
am i shying away from love, or letting it strike me out?
chewing gum with no teeth, texting with no credit.
seeing with no eyes, speaking with no words.
loving with no heart.
free me from this cage that you speak of.
this box of possibilities.
i wish to live in a world of no opportunities.
no hopes raise, no wishes made, no goals to achieve.
so no disappointment.
ill move around the room, pick a different spot everyday.
your attention grows until every corner is filled with you.
clean laundry hide in the corner while im hanging in the street.

master pieces..

2007-04-07T09:33:00.000+10:00

shit.
what am i supposed to do?
lie around, stick around, hope to god you'll be around.
showing up and shown up.
stepping on the broken glass.
gaps between the gaps.
making it hard to read between the lines.
but i'll listen and sing through them.
caught up in a minefield.
exploding in your wake.
bow and arrow heart ache.
cupid fell too short.
magazine clippings on walls covered with poster boy imitations.
on charge.
connected to the power outlet wishing that wasn't my only source of energy.
candle wick burnt to bits.
ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
a love that once consumed your heart turned into malice lust.
willian shakespeare eat your heart out.
can't type can't ryhme can't spend a moment in time without thinking of you.
damn you.
so what am i supposed to do?
lie around, sleep aroudn hope to god you'll stick around..
showing off and shown up.
shit...

. sticky tape.

2007-04-04T11:21:00.000+10:00

it's so easy to be morbid.
easy to pretend that nothing's worth it.
so simple to make everyone feel sorry for you.
by just saying something so pesismistic that they'll just take pity on you.
stating that you've loved and lost is so cliche, so simple, so overdone.
and when your stomachs turning from lying through your stained teeth
you think about how you could turn that into another sob story.
page 6 revenue and name dropping tennis matches.
it could be gas... then again you wouldn't know from all the fumes surrounding you.
but what about smiling.
no, working up a sweat on breaking the ice with a smile is too hard.
it's not simple enough to look on the bright side of life when you want the dark side to fuck you up.
soon enough, you'll pretend long enough to not know when you actually are sad.
to know when the self-proclaimed broken heart of yours if really broken.
and when you're wallowing about not knowing if you're wallowing.
you'll forget how to feel.
feel anything.
you'll grow numb and blank.
void.
let's see how you go with that..

salute

I'm just the pessenger to my taxi driver

2007-04-02T18:55:00.000+10:00

I'll fly a purple banner in your honour.
light grenades exploding in my heart.
I'll fly to the moon,
the dark side of the moon and
find you on higher ground.
the same old blood rush with a new touch.
your fingers give me a fever I can't sweat out.
though the revolver in you hand sends me into
black holes and revelations.
stumbling into Sam's Town.
I'm almost here.
here next to you.
awake, in sleepless dreams,
from under the cork tree I call your name.
All we know is falling in this town of broken dreams.
But in your arms it's like infinity on high.
I'll never get enough of you.
I'll stay with you forever.
because it's the blue in you that keeps me true.
Although I'm scattered with shades of red, I'm no where
without a game in my head.
That game is love.
I chose you first for my two person team.
my heart will always be the b-side of my tongue,
but I promise, I'll tell you ever time I see you.

ode to present lovers, blinded by sandy breeze

2007-03-28T19:20:00.000+10:00

i look in your eyes and notice all the things that could be mine
killing me with your smile, i'll take a while until i admit it.
i'll whisper it in hushed tones, then shout it out until every bone
in you feels the way the i feel.
blushing to your words, our friendship could be mistaken
though never overtaken, we've had time to let us grow.
and now all i want to know, is if your heart has grown like mine
given the amount time, the hands move slowly
when mine twitch fast in the hope to hold yours.
my eyes burn in need to look into to yours.
destined for connection, wishing for attention,
look my way and show me that you'll stay
another minute, second, week or year.
take my hands and together we'll steer.
down the road of happy endings,
where the light at the end of the tunnel is from our hearts
hoping that it never means we have to part.
so ill ride my bike past your house
knowing that its you who turns my wheels.
ill give my hands and mind to you
for my heart, already yours, you have no need to steal.

good morning midnight

2007-03-26T17:57:00.000+10:00

ran to the creek today.
stopped and threw three stones in.
the ripples made the ducks move.
the reeds slithered and then the wind pushed back my hair.
you can go home.
feet picked up the pace, misplaced here and there.
stepped on the thrown in stones and stumbled.
sunlight hits your forehead and dampens the dry skin.
the hands did move.
in nicely proportioned increments.
it was good enough.
am i meant to make sense?
am i meant to have a catergory?
dont ask me, i just cook the rice.
calm muscles burning and feet aching slightly.
i can still run away from you.
give me a dose of adrenaline and ill be gone before you hit me again.
glance me one and strike me twice.
its like the vogue for us teens.
hold it to your ear and wait for us to listen.
we couldnt care less.
walking through the gates, the cement made a moment.
face imprinted under my cheek.
yes you can have a copy.
cut and pasted copy.
just cause they said it doesnt mean i look good on paper.
click it once and stare at it more.
smile and jump a bit.
twirl, untwirl and twitch in your stitches.
bob and duck, keep a glance.
and thats the peter panda dance.

scratch me now, scratch me later

2007-03-25T19:01:00.000+10:00

clean clothes, dirty mind.
hanging ranks of yesterday wet nightmares.
not enough pegs and too many clippings to stick on the wall.
write me on your re(a)d all over newspaper.
making headlines before i align my head.
straight ahead, backwards running.
making foward leaps and landing hard, back on sand, swallowing dignity.
ill put you in a head lock if you don't unchain my mind.
kick up the dust and watch the sun go down.
bring me down with it.
tackle inhibitions, hold me down and press the fear out of me.
though, fear is in the mind, and it's been known that i lost that years ago.
false recognition and even sketchier attention.
ill scribble your name in your diary for an extra second of deliberation.
purpose. meaning. description in hope.
make a point to stand on.
tip toed through the house this morning.
then stampeded through your insides.
loved to know how it all went.
scores and scares.
measly fictional characters and overpowering nonsense.
decide between yourselves.
pick a number between one and one million.
throw it in the pack.
rip and tear the bits of me that you want.
wear me like a badge.
honour thy neighbour and sleep with the garderner.
persistant worship sizes up in closed curtains.
hide my in your pocket, take me out when the monsters gone.
or at least when the shadow disappears from the door.
break the light shining on me.
its not like i ever need a spotlight.
it seems im not that special.

agree to agree. disagree to pretend it never happened.

nothing new to make a statement

2007-03-23T11:38:00.000+11:00

sitting with the clicking all around my head.
ears ringing with last nights words.
crashing like the calm waves, something bad always follows the good.
new lines, new lies to create.
something always taking place of something that was never there in the first place.
kissing with keys.
unlocking doors that was open to begin with.
pool cues stabbing into key holes and white out making new arrangments.
hands holding hands and feet kicking out.
eyes dodging eyes and glances sticking fast.
balconies falling fast, but water trickling slowly.
noses wet and sleeves stained
she's fine, leave her alone
so I'll see you in the morning with that distained look on your face.
smile for me once and kiss me goodbye.
i'll never tell you the truth.
if only i could be true...